SUPERMARKET SHOPPING and OTHER PEOPLE


I have been SUPERMARKET SHOPPING. I’ve used capitals to convey that it’s a BIG THING. I did not enjoy it. It’s something I try to avoid. There are several things I found far from pleasant, the first and worst being that THEY LET OTHER PEOPLE IN WHEN I’M THERE!!! They close shops to OTHER PEOPLE when the Queen wants to shop, so it’s hardly unreasonable that they should do the same for me, is it??

It’s bad enough having to speed walk for miles trying to find required items, which have been moved now the festive season is over - of course they will not have moved them back to where they were before – NO! - you have to find them all over again, only to find that in about two weeks time they’ve been moved again to make way for over-packaged, over-priced Easter eggs. So I’m walking and swearing out loud trying to find things only to be blocked at every turn by OTHER PEOPLE! I tell you, it really fucks up the shopping experience BIG TIME!

One of the worst things is Trolley Use. People drive them like they drive cars, i.e. badly of course. It’s a race to get into or out of the aisle before you, a war of wills as to who backs down and gets out of the fucking way, it’s like children on the dodgem cars. For goodness sake grow up! You see?? Not only do these morons called OTHER PEOPLE make the roads dangerous, they can also kill you when you’re buying your dinner!

When not using them to maim, they delight in another pastime called ‘Blocking the Aisle’. Unlike evolved souls like me, who expertly and neatly tuck trolleys alongside the shelves, leaving plenty of room to drive a tank through, OTHER PEOPLE position theirs to prevent even a sheet of newspaper to pass. They’re all basket cases, so make them use baskets!! It’s enough to send me off my trolley!!!

Leaving the Battleground of Trolleys, we enter the Pleasure Park, frequented by those for whom shopping is a major highlight of excitement to be savoured to the very hilt. This necessitates doing everything ….V……..E……..R……Y …… S…….L…….O……W…….L……..Y.

Pleasure is enhanced by walking abreast and ambling along, stopping frequently to scrutinise each of the tens of thousands of items offered, to take them off the shelves, to put them back again, stopping anew to pour meaningless crap through a mobile phone to a recipient who responds with more meaningless crap. This is a variation of Aisle Blocking, in that they will be using their bodies, rather than the trolley. More sinister yet, is that they may actually be carrying baskets. I've decided this is not a good idea after all. They will deposit them at your feet whilst you are reaching up to a shelf. Yes, you will fall over it and hurt yourself and you will be blamed for not looking where you were going and be shouted at. If you are anything like me - i.e. sane - you will want to kill them.

Rudeness is another horror. Those who reach right in front of me to get something, like I’m invisible. I always say in a really loud voice “EXCUSE ME WOULD BE GOOD” and they look at me like I’ve said something mad. I suppose they don’t recognise the expression, associated as it is to Politeness, explaining why their faces are suddenly suffused by bewilderment. And the staff are no better, the only difference being they push me aside to put something ON the shelf and they have mostrous trolleys, so are even better at Aisle Blocking.

Possibly my pet hate is that they let them bring their children with them. Believe me, these brats are far from being pets. Where is that charming approach “Children should be seen but not heard” when we need it? Actually, I don’t want to see them either. (Don’t get me started on overpopulation) If children are allowed to make ghastly shrieking noises and run around taking things off shelves, opening packets and generally creating an annoying, unhealthy environment, they should be gagged and tied to a trolley. There! I knew there had to be a good use for them. And the parents should have to pay double.

Eventually the CHECK OUT. I will probably find myself queueing behind the slowest bag packer in the world, who refuses to get their money or bit of plastic out until EVERY SINGLE BIT of shopping is bagged. That is if he/she can find it. There will probably be a query as to a 'special offer' that doesn't look all that special after all, but we all have to wait half-an-hour for someone 'superior' to come and discuss it, wave keys around over the till, go and look at a shelf, wave keys again and then give lengthy instructions to person operating till. After all this waiting, it is my turn to be 'served', whence I am expected to pack and pay at the speed of light and get the fuck out before I annoy somebody!!!!  ?????

To think that I’ll have to do it again!! And God help me if I forget my list …….