Technology and Trains – Going off the Rails!

Do you love technology? Lots of us do. But let’s face it. Where once we ran with childlike innocence into a shining new world where our lives would be vastly improved by technology, now it is using us. If the network system collapsed, so would the “civilised” world…..

Take trains. I know that some of their workings have been computerised for a while but something that incenses me is the doors. Picture this. You are amongst a crowd standing on a crowded platform hoping to get on a train. You can’t. Why? The doors aren’t opening. You gaze at the angry frustration around you. You look inside the train at a crowd of people hoping to get off the train. They can’t. The doors won’t open. On their faces, the misery takes on a trapped angst. All are mouthing the same thing – “What’s wrong? Why won’t the doors open?”

I’ll tell you why. The computer has not yet decided to open the doors. It may never. This is shake-your-head-disbelief type of insane. You at least are able to walk away, but the poor hostages inside may have to call the SAS for rescue.

Look, we have two hands. A few unfortunates do not, but most people do. To accommodate these hands, train doors used to have handles, which we were able to operate using our hands. If your hands were full, someone else’s hands would deal with the handle for you. Oh, how I wallow in the nostalgia of these bygone days. Now new trains have been introduced, without handles. Commuters are telling us that they are late for work and appointments because they either cannot get on or cannot get off the trains. All this stress and inconvenience because there are NO FUCKING HANDLES! And this is supposed to be making life easier for us. How? What are we meant to do with our hands whilst we are waiting? Some of you will no doubt find lots of diversion in your old standbys, nose picking, arse scratching and - no, let’s not go there - but I would rather spend my time OPENING A DOOR! WITH MY HAND!

Let us probe this non-door opening problem a little deeper. I am told that the train computer is linked to a satellite dish way up in the sky. That’s right friend, a great big plate way up in the sky is now responsible for doing something (badly) you could do with your hands (well). The rail company tells us that these are mere ‘teething troubles’. Sorry, but I don’t happen to like being bombarded with harmful, unnecessary satellite rays when I have two good hands. This is more than “teething troubles”, this is gum troubles, jaw troubles, all the way to brain troubles. Yup, we’ve got train on the brain, ha! The delays in door opening seems to be the result of two things. One, the sodding technology is not sodding working and two, the sodding staff don’t know how to sodding work it. Stupid computers and stupid operators. The perfect recipe for fucking up your day. Great.

I am told that automated doors will prevent suicides (to the poor sods who are trapped on the train, the possibility of being able to throw themselves out of one must seem increasingly attractive). Well, if people want to kill themselves by train and can’t jump out of one, they can always throw themselves in front of it. Plus there many more imaginative options. If people really want to die, they will find a way, and no amount of love, therapy and support will stop them. Taking away our door handles will not save their lives, in fact it may give more people the idea. So don’t lock us in or out of trains. Mother Nature gave us hands for handles.